


Psychoanalysis For The Dead And Departed

by AsagiStilinski



Series: Y-G-October 2018 [14]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Conversations, Guilt, M/M, Post-Canon, Subtle Romance, Talking, Yami Yuugi | Atem has his own body, apologizing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 12:45:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16305488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsagiStilinski/pseuds/AsagiStilinski
Summary: "And what exactly are you apologizing for?""For trying to kill you...?""You tried to kill me? Hm, I see you didn't succeed,"Day 14 of Y-G-October 2018





	Psychoanalysis For The Dead And Departed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Finaiarel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finaiarel/gifts).



> This was going to be considerably different than how it ended up turning out, for one thing, I was going to have other charectors actually appear in it, for another, the conversation was supposed to run alot smoother, just to name a couple of things, but here's what I have for today's theme from this list http://horrificmemes.tumblr.com/post/177941943723/its-that-tiiiime-just-like-last-fall-im-giving "Guilt"
> 
> I know Atem carries alot of guilt regarding his earlier behavior in the series, and I think once the chaos has calmed down he'd want to rectify that, the problem is, I personally don't think he _should_ feel guilty, truthfully I haven't watched season 0 or read the manga so my understanding of his pre-Duel Monsters self is a little foggy, but atleast for DM specifically, he never actually did anything "bad"? The people he mind-crushed and sent to the shadow realm were all pretty much pure evil, he was trying to protect his freinds, and people complain about him mind-crushing Kaiba but that.... probably saved Kaiba's life? It got rid of the evil within him and allowed his true self to start coming back, wich is an important thing, we saw how much that evil corrupted him (via Give Up The Ghost) and I imagine if he had kept on the way he had been going he would have just turned into Gozaburo and hit a point of no return, the rooftop duel is another thing, Seto continuously pushed Atem to make the decision he made, Atem thought he was doing the right thing and from my personal perspective, he was, if I were in his position, I would have made the same call
> 
> Ofcourse I've been told I have skewed morality so what do I know? ;) Anyway, I do personally think that Kaiba actually respects Atem's decision- or rather, respects him for making it, Seto has always respected ruthlessness more than quitters/"weaklings"/people who give up, and I think he would think Atem was making the right decision too, as I don't think there's any doubt that, had the situation been reversed, Seto wouldn't have hesitated to blow Atem off the roof for his brother's sake

_"Guilt is a very powerfull emotion, there is good guilt and bad guilt, we use guilt as a measure of moral scales, if someone does something wrong and feels guilt, then their moral scales are well balanced, but if you're capable of doing something wrong, of hurting someone, and feeling no guilt or remorse at all, then it's time to examine your moral compass, being capable of harming someone without guilt is a classic sign of sociop-"_

_***click*** _

Atem blinked, slowly glancing up at the man behind him

"Why did you turn it off?"

"Because I can't stand dimestore 'psychologists' giving their crappy opinions and psychoanalyzing people on TV,"

"Well, someone is awfully opinionated,"

"Ofcourse, have you _met_ me?"

"Fair point,"

Pause

"Kaiba, please turn it back on, the silence is deafening,"

With a slight look of annoyance, he flicked the TV back on, but was quick to change the channel to something else

_"Pikachu! Use Thunderbolt!"_

"Where are Wheeler and the rest of the Dork Patrol?"

"Joey went to get coffee, Tristan stepped out to call the others,"

"Mm, shame I missed the coffee run, Yugi-"

"Is wih his grandfather, waiting on him to awaken,"

"I figured,"

There was a pause, Pokemon blaring in the background, before Atem finally sighed and looked up at him

"Kaiba, why don't you sit down? We're going to be here a wile,"

Seto looked uncomfortable at the very idea, but ultimately moved to sit in one of the stiff, scratchy chairs anyway, right next to Atem

For the longest moment, the two sat in silence, neither saying anything, just seeming to be in their own worlds as the cartoon continued on in the background

The waiting room was strangely quiet and empty, in fact, they were the only ones there at all

"Kaiba, can we talk?"

"I'd prefer we didn't,"

"This is important,"

With clear reluctance, the CEO turned his attention to the pharaoh

" _What?_ "

Ah....

Now that he actually had Kaiba's attention, he wasn't sure what to say...

Well, more accurately, he wasn't sure how to _start_

"Well, I've been thinking lately... about a few years ago.... back when we didn't know eachother very well, I really never quite... apologized.... for back then,"

That seemed to take his companion by noticeable surprise, and a bit of confusion as well

"And what exactly are you apologizing for?"

"For trying to kill you...?"

"You tried to kill me? Hm, I see you didn't succeed,"

Now Atem's eye was twitching with annoyance, nose wrinkling and lips pursing

"At Duelist's Kingdom, our duel on the roof, if Yugi hadn't stopped me-"

"Oh, that,"

... What did he mean "oh that"?!

"Yes, that,"

"You weren't trying to kill me, if you were you certainly sucked at it, but the way I recall, you were actively trying _not_ to kill me, _I_ was giving you no choice, you did what you had to do, it would have been the only way to save someone you cared about, so it was the right thing to do,"

Atem frowned deeper, nose wrinkling

"It wasn't the right thing to do, any result wherein I had _killed you_ would not have been the right thing to do,"

Seto rolled his eyes, clearly not impressed with the other's regrets

"Again, I didn't give you much choice, if the situations had been reversed and your life was in the way of saving Mokuba, I would have killed you without hesitation, not just blown you off a roof by accident, I would have wrapped my hands around your throat and _squeezed_ if I had to, and don't get me wrong Pharaoh, just because I'm on good terms now with you and your Nerd Herd, don't think for a second I wouldn't still do that to any one of you if it came down to you or my brother,"

"No mistakes made," Atem promised with a quiet sigh, shifting in his seat, his eyes on the TV, though he wasn't watching it

"There is always a choice, Kaiba, Yugi showed me that, there is always another way,"

Seto scoffed in distaste, eyes rolling before flicking breifly to Atem's face

"Listen to yourself, you're letting them domesticate you,"

" _Domesticate me_? I am not an animal Kaiba,"

"Yes you are, we both are, you and I are something more wild than this, masquerading in human skin, wolves pretending to be sheep, but you're letting them start to convince you that you're a sheep too, it's pretty despicable,"

Atem shifted again, uncomfortably, this time refusing to meet the CEO's eyes more valiantly

"I don't know what you're talking about,"

"Don't give me that, tell me something Atem, would you do _anything_ to protect the people you love?"

"Ofcourse I would,"

"Really? Would you kill for them?"

Finally, the pharaoh turned his gaze towards Seto, his face pinched, frustrated and hesitant, his hands tight around the armrests of the chair

"I don't want to kill-"

"I didn't ask what you wanted, and I'm not asking if you'd go on some homicidal binge for one of your little freinds- although, between you and me, I absolutely think you would- I'm asking you, if someone was holding a gun to Yugi's head, and the only way to save him was to kill that person, would you do it?"

"I.... would find another way-"

"There is no other way,"

"There is _always_ another wa-"

"No there isn't, take it from someone who's been faced with choices like that before- no, Atem, there isn't, now ... I was honest with you, I deserve the same respect, honestly, would you do it?"

Atem hesitated, biting down on his tongue, glancing at the floor, some part of him hoping that Seto would withdraw the question, he supposed, but...

"... _Yes_ ,"

"Good, that's what I thought, if I replaced Yugi with some random, innocent person... a child, let's say, would you make the same choice?"

"I.... believe so, yes,"

"And if I had asked you these questions three years ago, would your answers have been the same?"

"Yes,"

"So tell me then, why are you sorry? Your decision wouldn't be different, you wouldn't be capable of regretting your choice if it was the choice you believed was right, so why apologize?"

"Because back then there were other choices and you didn't deserve-"

"I did, I did deserve it, because it was my _choice_ , I chose to put us both in that situation, and you know something? _I_ don't regret it, because I wouldn't have done anything differently if presented with the same options today, because it gave me the opportunity to save my brother, even though things didn't work out the way I had planned, it was the right decision, it was the only choice I had and that makes it the right choice, there are things I've done that are bloody, and wrong, and terrible, but I've made peace with them, I've learned not to look back and regret them, are there things I would have done differently if given the chance? Yes, but not when it comes to the steps I've taken to protect my brother, if anything, I would choose to be _more_ proactive about it now, knowing what I do, there would be more bodies at my feet if I could do it over, that's the choice I have to make to protect the one I love, so I can't regret it, and I can't feel bad about it, now correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't that always your motive when you hurt people? Mind-crushed, sent to the shadow realm, attempted to blow off a roof...? Weren't you always trying to protect your loved ones?"

"No, sometimes it was for revenge,"

"Revenge is just very early protection, you're fixing a problem that showed it's self once before and _will_ show it's self again, do you want to know what happens when you don't take care of a problem the first chance you get? The Big Five happen, for one thing,"

Atem sighed quietly, his head leaned back, eyes closed, as he tried not to succumb to what Seto was saying

"I don't want to be that person anymore... I want to be better than that..."

"Why? All of the people you 'hurt' were bad people, people who threatened the lives of the people you cared about, and they deserved what they got, including me, you shouldn't be afraid of yourself, Atem, of your own moral code, be proud of it, embrace it, be proud of being one of the few people in this world who can do what it takes to protect the people you love, and don't start thinking that you're so different from the rest of your little group, have you ever _seen_ the way Yugi gets when it comes to protecting you? He would kill for you, just like you would for him,"

"No he wouldn't,"

"He would, that's why I finally respect him, atleast... to a point,"

"Why are you so determined to make me into the person I was?"

"Why are _you_ so determined to be someone you're not? Shame? Guilt? Get over it, you are who you are, and frankly, who you are isn't so bad, I finally gained some respect for you that day on the roof, you know,"

"Because I was going to kill you?" Atem asked in confusion

"Because you were going to do what it took to save the person you cared about, just like I was,"

"Ah.... so it isn't my dueling skills you respect about me, it's my morality,"

"No, it's both, do you know how exceedingly rare it is to find anyone who can match my standards in a duel who shares my mindset? In all this time, I've only ever found you, and... to some degree, Yugi,"

"Is that why you have such interest in me? Not just because I'm a good duelist, but because I'm willing to do the same things that you are?"

"Now you're getting it, if it was just about dueling then I would have had a bigger interest in Yugi,"

Atem heaved a long, heavy sigh, rubbing his eyes tiredly

"You finally found someone who you could connect to, not just on an intellectual level, but on an emotional one as well,"

"Bingo, why are you trying to change who you used to be? Who you used to be was fine,"

"It wasn't fine, _I_ wasn't fine, I was .. angry, and confused, and... wrong..."

"You were right, you were _honest_ , because you didn't know how else to be, you'd yet to discover the invention of lying,"

Atem huffed, frustration brimming beneath his skin at that

"Why are you so hellbent on this?"

"Because you made the mistake of apologizing for one of the few things I actually respect you for and I find that insulting, and because I think you're doing yourself a disservice by trying to bend so hard to be what other people want you to be when it isn't who you really are,"

"No, hurting people left and right... that is not who I am,"

"Define 'hurting', what, when you broke people's minds? You bled out the evil that was overtaking them, you didn't hurt anyone any more than a surgeon 'hurts' someone when removing a cancerous tumor, those who had any good left in them got through it- eventually- and those who didn't... what were your other options then? To just let them go on as they were? Let them come back and hurt you, or Yugi, or someone else, some other day? The people you sent to the shadow realm, they were beyond saving, right? So what were your options then, hm? You were a pharaoh, didn't you used to face decisions like these all the time? Let evil go and destroy your people, or kill it where it stands?"

"That... that is different, I am not a pharaoh anymore, I don't have the right-"

"Who cares about right? No, you aren't a pharaoh anymore, but you still have _people_ who are your's, _your_ people to take care of, you'd be doing a sloppy job of that if you just let the evil keep coming back for them, and you of all people should know that evil people don't quit just because they lose a card game or hear some corny freindship speech, they keep coming back, until they win or die, we both know what it's like to deal with the consequences of not killing them the first time, are those consequences really worth it, to sleep a little easier at night, from time to time?"

No, no they weren't

Atem hated to admit it, he hated to let himself even think it, but the more Kaiba spoke, the more sense he was making

....

He shouldn't be having this conversation, not here, not now, not when he was so exhausted and mentally taxed...

"If you regret something, it means that, given the choice, you wouldn't do it again, so tell me, all of the people you broke, you sent away, you killed.... do you regret it?"

He longed to say "yes", he wanted to, he craved that release, like craving light in the darkness, but if he was being honest....

".... No, but that doesn't make it right, that doesn't make _me_ right,"

"What in the hell are you so afraid of _Pharaoh_? Because what you're doing now, what you've been doing lately, it's done out of fear, I can smell that on you from a mile away, so what are you afraid of? Being _bad_? Disappointing Yugi? The truth, that sometimes the world doesn't let you get by with hope and kindness and pretty speeches about goodness? That you enjoyed it, when you 'hurt' those people?"

"I did not _enjoy_ anything about it," Atem snapped quickly, immediately realizing his mistake when Seto began to smirk

"Oh... that's quite a big nerve I just hit, so it isn't pulling the trigger you regret, it's how you felt when you did it,"

"No,"

"Stop lying, you felt good being able to protect your freinds, you felt good knowing that you did the right thing, there's nothing wrong with that, besides, doing bad things to bad people makes us feel good, that's just human nature, you're human, congratulations,"

The pharaoh let out a shaky, somewhat amused breath, squeezing the armrests again and glancing off to some other side of the room aimlessly

"Really? You're quoting Hannibal? Why does that not surprise me in the least?"

"I'm impressed you've seen it,"

"I've been back for seven months Kaiba, I do in fact know what a TV is, Yugi has the DVDs,"

"Well isn't today just full of discoveries?" the CEO replied blandly, finally turning his focus away from Atem, though that didn't mean the pharaoh allowed it to stay that way for long

"You want me to be honest? Alright, but you have to be honest too, you aren't giving me all of this advice and attention because you want me to feel better, it's because you want us to be on the same page again,"

"Why wouldn't I? You're the only person I've ever met who deserves to be called my equal, not just in game skills, but in moral standing, you're smart enough and ruthless enough to do what you have to do, I respect that, I don't respect very much in very many people Atem, I gave you a rare gift, here you are trying to throw it away because you're afraid it makes you a bad person and you're afraid of being a bad person because your little freinds like to think of you as Superman, you don't want to prove them wrong and end up being the villain of your own story, you don't want to be _alone_ ,"

"They don't think of me as Superman, trust me, and even if they did, Superman _has_ killed his enemies throughout the years,"

A pause

He.. _had_ to pause

" _You're as alone as I am, and we're both alone, without eachother_ , is that what this is?"

"You assume alot,"

"But am I wrong?"

Seto decided to simply ignore that question, rather than grace it with an answer, wich was really the only answer Atem needed at this point

"So where does this leave us then?" the pharaoh finally asked

"I have no idea what you mean,"

Atem, at this point, honestly wasn't sure if Seto was just playing him or not, but there was only one way to find out

"You keep going on about equals and morality and how unlike other people we are, are you inviting me to be the Will Graham to your Hannibal Lecter?"

"Inviting? No, I think you already are, I'm just waiting on you to see that for yourself,"

Atem was quiet again, quiet and considering, before slowly allowing his hand to wander and placing it on his companion's, feeling a slight chill of surprise when Seto carefully wrapped his fingers around the other's

"We are alike, you and I, moreso than I really want to admit, but here we are,"

"Yes," Atem agreed quietly, his hand squeezing Seto's, thumb tracing over the back of his fingers, relaxing slightly in his hold

"Here we are,"


End file.
